also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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