If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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