If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
