a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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