So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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