and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
