so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
