theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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