GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
