I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
