Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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