Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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