omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize