In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
