dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
