ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He? As in you personified your dick?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
