he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
