Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
