She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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