I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
