Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
whose ass print is on the piano?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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