And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
