Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
