he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
