you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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