I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
