tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
