I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
