the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
