I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Terrible idea I love it
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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