remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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