You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
