Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
