So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
