I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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