Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
