I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
