i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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