You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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