I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
