Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
