Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
