took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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