Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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