Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
