FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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