if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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