dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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