It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
