the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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