He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
