I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
