I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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