before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
