I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
