I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
