mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
