Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
