Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
