i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
