Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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