Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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