So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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