Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
