I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
