Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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