Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Randomize
