dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
i've created a new STD.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize