I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize