I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
