i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
