my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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