are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
zippers are such a cool invention
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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