I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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